It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
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