So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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