i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
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I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
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He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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