I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
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when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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