So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
pop tarts are not kleenex
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
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