i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
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I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
my liver is dry heaving
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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