We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
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I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
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I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
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