Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
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Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
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The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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