oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
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It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
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Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Come back. Shots need mouths.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
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