Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
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I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
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