Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
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Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
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I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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