Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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