I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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