i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
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Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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