Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Randomize