Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
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in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
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Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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