She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
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In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
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He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
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