I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
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I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
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If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize