Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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