her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
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I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
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