Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
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Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
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Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
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