I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
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I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
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He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
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