There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
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My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
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Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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