he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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