Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
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Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
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the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
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