If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Randomize