Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
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