im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
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