we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize