I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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