im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
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