The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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