I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
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Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
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Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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