Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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