That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
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Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
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So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
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