im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Randomize