fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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