there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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