dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
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I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
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I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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