you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
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I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
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Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize