I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
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There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
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Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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