I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
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I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
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You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
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