I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
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Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
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I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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