To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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