Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
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Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
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Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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