I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
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Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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