Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
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Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
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walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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