If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
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One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
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I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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