Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
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There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
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