Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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